My wife has left me...

My car is dying....

Insurance and Taxes are forcing me out of my home

Somebody stole almost all of my golf balls

My kids are too busy to pay me any attention

I have a medical condition that forces me to give my blood away frequently

I can't work anymore

And a mole is undermining my lawn

Tell me, Alfonso...

Should I get more balls?

Alfonso Responds:

Firstly, considering your current state of affairs, it took a lot of balls to send this letter! You may not need any more! Let’s have a serious look at your conundrums, and what may be the best ways to cope with or change them:

Thanks to the internet, you can start browsing all over the world for a new wife.

Before your car gets any worse, donate it to a demolition derby. I did once ---- a 1965 Chrysler Imperial. It was fun to watch it go down in flames!

Give up the house, passing the mole problem along to the new owner. Even if it isn’t, make your medical condition such that you have to move in with one of the kids. That’ll put you right in front of at least one of them. When you tire of each other, move in with the other one. Why work? I’m sure your kids will feed you. Sponge enough off of them to pay for booze, greens fees and while you’re at it, some nice new balls, and your life will be complete!

Alfonso Schmuck