Interview with Rosalind Sedacca

By Barbara Payne and Beatrice Davis

Hello Rosalind. How are you today? First of all, thank you for agreeing to be interviewed by No Strings Attached E News and answering our questions. We hope that this interview will be fun and exciting for you as it was for us to prepare it.

NSAEN: You wrote the book “How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!” based on your experience. What inspired you to write the book?

Rosalind: What inspired me was my own experience more than a decade ago when I was facing a divorce. My son was only 11 years old. He was close to both of us and I was traumatized as to how I would break the news to him. I wanted to tell him in a way that was as positive as possible and easy to understand. I stayed up for nights trying to figure the best way to have that conversation. Then one night at 3 a.m. I came up with the idea of a storybook about our family with photos as a good way to have the discussion.

NSAEN: What was the idea behind the storybook?

Rosalind: My parents fought constantly and I grew up with terrible stress, tension and fighting.

They didn’t get divorced and stayed together “for the sake of the kids,” which to me was a terrible mistake. I grew up feeling guilty that I couldn’t fix my parents’ mess. I learned from that experience that it’s toxic relationships that harm children – not necessarily divorce itself.

When my own marriage was failing I knew I needed to break it off in the healthiest possible way to minimize distress for my son. I also wanted to give my son the opportunity to experience healthier, positive relationships in the future without all that tension. It worked out well. Both his father and I later remarried into happier relationships and my son didn’t lose his close contact with either one of his parents.

Once I came up with the storybook concept for my son, I wanted to share it with other families facing separation or divorce. It took me more than a decade to get to it, but I finally wrote the book with customizable, fill-in-the-blank templates so parents could tell their own personal story, add their own family photographs, and create a storybook to present to their children as an ideal tool to help them break the news about the divorce.

NSAEN: Have you included input from other experts as well?

Rosalind: I have six professional therapists who contributed to the book. They loved the idea and added their own commentary, based on their work in their private practices and their experiences dealing with divorced families. They provided articles and commentaries for each chapter that help walk people through the divorce and parenting in the best possible way.

NSAEN: How important is it for parents dealing with divorce to understand what they are facing?

Rosalind: Unfortunately, parents spend more time planning for a vacation or a party than in planning for how they will tell their children about the divorce. They prepare their paperwork, get an attorney, but don’t think about the psychological effects on the kids. It’s vitally important that they understand the complexity of this issue and the choices they have in how they present it. Both parents need to set the tone for the children. If you come from a place of anger and hostility with each other, your children will be frightened, feel insecure, and caught up in not knowing which side to take. If parents present a united front, despite disagreements, it makes all the difference in the outcome.

It is crucially important to make sure your children know that none of this is their fault. You want to let them know Mom and Dad have not been getting along and now we’ve found a way to make life more harmonious for our family. Even though there are going to be some changes, everything is going to be okay.

That’s why it is so important to create a child-centered divorce in which parents put their children’s emotional and psychological needs first in every aspect of the divorce and every decision they make. My book guides parents step-by-step in that process.

Having an actual book to present to your children helps you keep on track when you tell the kids about the divorce. It’s a very emotional conversation. Crying is inevitable. Without a guidebook to walk you through the conversation, you can easily forget some of the important messages you wanted to convey.

NSAEN: How has divorce changed over the past 10 to 20 years? What are some of the obstacles people deal with more now than many years ago?

Rosalind: Actually I believe that divorce has changed in some very positive ways in recent years. The rate of divorce and the causes are about the same, but finally in the last five years or so there are several new movements, especially in the legal communities, that are much more child-centered. I’m hearing terms like friendly, peaceful and collaborative divorce. Finally attorneys are moving their clients towards collaboration and not rushing into litigation as quickly.

For too long parents have gotten caught up in the nightmare of legal adversarial attitudes that put the parents on two opposing sides. Now we have a choice in which we can put mediation or collaborative law options first so that parents sit down and discuss the effects on their children. Today’s more enlightened attorneys work with mediators, therapists, divorce coaches and others who can help work out the most harmonious outcomes. The goal is to keep the children out of court battles, whenever possible, and not having parents give up their power to judges who decide their fates.

Parents must remember that Mom and Dad will always be their children’s parents, divorce or not. If you’re fighting with your former spouse and putting them down, the psychological effects will be harming your children now and for decades to come.

Oprah recently had a show on adult children of divorce. The focus was on how those children, who are now adults, are still reeling from the trauma of the decisions made when Mom and Dad split up! The new breed of attorneys realizes what the adversarial system has been doing to families. I know several divorce lawyers who have now become mediators. The best news of all is that people can save money and save the emotional lives of their families through mediation and collaboration. But they must be enlightened in their viewpoint. Some clients are just out for blood -- just out to get the other spouse despite any consequences.

I was blessed. I knew that if I took the traditional route regarding my divorce, my husband, who was a good father, would have hated me and my son would have resented me, as well. If I kept my son from his father or they only saw each other once a week, I would have lost my son’s love and respect. I understood it would have been punishing my husband and my son and that ultimately would have punished me. Instead we worked it out wonderfully through shared custody. My son had no problems getting off the school bus at dad’s house some days, my house on other days.

We split up mid-school year. In June one of his teachers remarked to me that she was surprised to hear the family had gone through a divorce because my son showed none of the typical signs of emotional turmoil she’s used to seeing. He was still a straight A student, busy with sports and his friends. In fact, my son, who is now a grown young man, wrote the introduction to my new book.

NSAEN: Are there more divorces today than there were, say, in the 60s?

Rosalind: Yes, there are more divorces today because of women’s greater economic freedom. People don’t have much tolerance for working things out either. Many divorces could be avoided through therapy if both partners were willing to do the work, but people have a more casual attitude about divorce today. They don’t do their own inner work. Consequently, they are more likely to repeat the same problems in their next relationships. Statistics for second-marriage divorces are even higher than for first-time breakups.

NSAEN: Many children don’t have special help or professional support during and after a divorce. What are some of the after-effects they might have to deal with?

Rosalind: Children tend to blame themselves. Parents must repeat often that it’s not their fault. Parents must understand how psychologically vulnerable children are at this time. It is valuable to remind your children that they are not losing either parent through the divorce. Mom and Dad still love you and will always be your Mom and Dad – even it there is a geographical distance between you. It is also very important never to put down either parent in front of your kids. A part of your child dies through those types of comments. They internalize those put-downs and are hurt because they are genetically and emotionally connected to both parents.

NSAEN: Do you think divorces are different from country to country and continent to continent?

Rosalind: To some degree yes, but human beings are basically the same. When it comes down to the important issues, we’re all more alike than different. However, cultural values differ from society to society. In a male-dominated society, divorce may be initiated by men more often. It also depends on how much power women have, particularly if they make more money, have a higher education. In those cases the woman may be more likely to initiate the divorce. One thing’s for certain -- relationship challenges are universal.

NSAEN: In your book you write about the six most important messages to help your kids get through a divorce. Please tell us about those messages and about the “templates” you talk about.

Rosalind: The messages that every child needs to hear when divorce is pending are:

1. This is not your fault.

2. Mom & Dad will always love you.

3. Mom and Dad will always be your Mom and Dad.

4. You are, and will continue to be, safe.

5. This is about change, not about blame.

6. Everything is gong to be okay.

Everyone experiences change – the first day of school, starting a new sport, entering a new grade, moving to a new neighborhood. Change can be scary for all of us, but it doesn’t have to be bad. Kids shouldn’t be made to take sides or choose where they want to live. They feel too guilty to make those complicated choices.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! uses fill-in-the-blank templates to talk about your family history. As a parent you just add your personal information, sharing insights about Mom and Dad’s life before the children came along.

Every child is fascinated about life before they were born. They love to see old family pictures, see themselves when they were little. So we create a storybook with photos and text that’s all about them and their family. They are the star. The book talks about changes that will be happening in their family and reassures them that everything will work out okay. The storybook gives them something they can hold onto. It anchors them as they are going through this difficult conversation. And they can reread the book again and again in the weeks and months to come.

NSAEN: Let’s talk about you for a little bit. Who is Rosalind Sedacca?

Rosalind: My background is in advertising/marketing/public relations. I am an award winning copywriter, professional speaker and a Certified Corporate Trainer. For the past few decades I facilitated workshops and seminars on relationship issues and inter-personal relationships at home and in the workplace.

After my divorce I thought about writing this book to share with others. But I let the idea go for more than a decade. Finally last year I decided to move ahead with the book concept. It was an amazing experience. I could almost say the book wrote itself. And six therapists contributed their wisdom to the book, as well.

As soon as it was written and I started sending the book out to divorce professionals, they were enthusiastic and eager to recommend it to their clients. I have endorsements from mediators, therapists, attorneys, educators and others who deal with divorce issues throughout the United States and beyond. I feel very encouraged and supported in getting my message out and if I’ve been able to help even one family, then I have already reached my goal.

Through the process I have created a Child-Centered Divorce Network at www.childcentereddivorce.com. There I have a free ezine, free blog, free articles, and all kinds of other resources related to parenting and divorce. I am planning tele-seminars, webinars, some live events, a series of CDs and other new products related to children and divorce. Today there is so much information available to parents, they should never feel alone. Support and valuable resources are always available. And I’m always there to help.

NSAEN: How do you balance your professional and personal life, especially since you are so busy with speaking, writing and facilitating workshops?

Rosalind: Three years ago I remarried which has added great joy to my life. But I can’t really say my life is balanced. I still have clients in marketing and public relations. I work on marketing my book practically every other waking hour. I am writing articles constantly. Right now I have a stack of 200 people to contact and respond to regarding requests and questions. The book is a true passion of mine, a labor of love – but getting the word out is quite labor intensive.

NSAEN: You are much in the public eye and constantly in front of big audiences. What makes you nervous?

Rosalind: I don’t get nervous very much these days. Perhaps somewhat if I’m in front of extremely large groups. A lot of presenters get nervous beforehand, but once you’re on stage, you’re “on.” I don’t let fears hamper me from getting my message out – that’s too important.

NSAEN: What do you like to do in your free time?

Rosalind: I live in South Florida so I love nature, animals and being on and near the water. All of my closest friends are therapists, so I love talking with them a lot. I like to read, have a passion for movies and dance, and love going to see live theater. I’m a people person so being with friends is always fun.

NSAEN: What are some of the new projects you are working on?

Rosalind: I’m working on collaborating with some other authors, therapists, mediators and other professional divorce experts who share my concern about children of divorce. We’re organizing and coordinating several teleseminars and workshops as well as a divorce survival boot camp. I also write columns and am an Expert Advisor for several women’s and parenting organizations on the Internet. In addition, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? was planned to be the first in a series of How Do I Tell the Kids books with other themes -- about the new baby, moving to a new neighborhood, death in the family, etc. I want to get started with those before too long.

NSAEN: What is the most important advice you can give our readers who are considering a divorce or those who are already going through a divorce?

Rosalind: My best advice would be to think about divorce with the end result in mind. Ask yourself how are your children going to feel and talk to you about your divorce once they are grown? Will they question your decisions? Will they ask “Why did you keep me from seeing my father? Why did you lie to me?”

Just thinking about that alone will stop a lot of people in their tracks when making divorce decisions. They will realize that whatever they do will be imprinted on their children’s lives forever. When my son grew up he told me the divorce was tough, but since we prepared him properly and collaborated effectively in co-parenting, he did not suffer as a result. He also appreciate that we never fought in front of him after the divorce, and that we always attended school and sports events, graduations, birthday and other celebrations for him together whenever possible.

NSAEN: How can people access you and your book?

Rosalind: The book is titled: “How Do I Tell the Kids about Divorce? A Create- a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!” Because it’s customizable I am marketing it as an ebook that parents can download directly from my website. The book comes with four very valuable bonuses including a free telephone coaching session with one of the therapists. Another bonus is my Therapeutic Insights Journal, a place where you can keep track of how you, your spouse and your children are coping with the challenges in the weeks and months following the initial divorce conversation. Parents can visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com to learn more about the book. And they can visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com for free articles, my free ezine and many more valuable resources.

We thank you for your time and lovely interview, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. People can reach you directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.