Dear Alfonso:

I apologize sincerely for my long delay in replying to your last posting   I think you will remember this part:

"Schmooze” your groundskeeper. Offer drinks, bring a box of doughnuts, or better yet some chocolate, and persuade this person to open up those fairways a little bit and trim back some of that rough, even some of the surrounding bush, that your drives tends to head towards. It’s not really cheating. Groundskeepers in ballparks around the country do little things every summer to give the home team an edge. Why not do the same in golf?"

Sincerely,

Alfonso

My friend, there are Schmoozers, and then there are SCHMOOZERS"!  My groundskeeper is the leader of the latter group.  We schmoozed about two months ago.  I told him the things you told me....he nodded in agreement, accepted another drink with me and another....and another......and....well, that is the last I remembered until about two days ago.  He is, undoubtedly, the Tiger Woods of SCHMOOZING. Had he not found me in the rough,,, and I mean ROUGH...I might still be out there in my delirium surviving on all sorts of creepy, crawly creatures far more accustomed to feeding on humans than vice versa.  If you have ever seen the TV show "Survivors", let me tell you that it is like a kindergarten romp by comparison.  My only defensive weapon was my trusty, rusty 9 iron with which I had about as much success striking the creatures of nature as I did a golf ball.  

   I am, however, recovering nicely.  My attendant manages to slide real food through the window in the padded door. It matches the rest of the room.  They tell me that when I give up my 9 Iron and promise no harm to the groundskeeper they will take me for some walks down the fairway, albeit on a leash.  I look forward to that because I won't have any balls...no silly metal sticks...and no smart-ass caddies.  I do hope to walk past my favorite pond where I saw, the last time I was playing the course, a hand sticking out of the water holding up three fingers.  I recall thinking that either he wanted his three iron or was going down for the third time.  I choose to ignore him because he seemed so indecisive.
   I also recall once seeing three attendants from this facility chasing a naked woman down the sixth fairway.  One of them was carrying a pail full of sand.  When I inquired why, I was told he had caught her the last time. This is truly a marvelous facility. 

With great appreciation for your previous words of encouragement, I pray that some day you will be fortunate enough to enjoy the hospitality here.

ANON