Open Season

By John Chung

They come in droves across every shore, swarming the streets and byways of Europe’s landscape with the rapacity of invading armies of old.  They meander through the land; seemingly without direction, insatiably consuming and acquiring everything in their path, be it the simple salted pretzel, unsuspecting piece of pottery, or the trinket that states “I don’t know what it is, but we should get something while we’re here.”  They are a mostly unappreciative lot, and begrudgingly accepted by domestic society.  They are… (sigh) tourists.

These perennial guests are a demographic to themselves, a separate entity from their immigrant contemporaries, transcending race or culture of origin.  These transients have their own mannerisms that are a curiosity to study.  However, they also have distinctive behaviors within their ranks, and so as this tourist season comes into full flare, it’s helpful to be able to recognize the nuances of each group when observing them in the wild.

Firstly, it’s important to recognize the fact that the typical tourist, regardless of his or her best intentions, doesn’t really come to Europe to experience Real Europe.  Rather, it’s to affirm their stereotypes of Europe.  They come to see Disney Europe, if you will.  In Disney Europe, every castle looks as majestic as Neuschwanstein, every Roman ruin has the enormity of the Coliseum, and everybody speaks English.  Well, that last part is somewhat true in that a good number of Europeans do speak English, although the French will never admit it, and Germans will insist that their English is “only okay” as they’re correcting your grammar to conform to proper Oxford standard.

Possibly the most notorious variety of tourist amongst the domestic populace is the often maligned and misunderstood North American.  Consisting of Canadians and Americans, this genus has many similarities between its sub-species, although both would loathe admitting it.  These travelers tend to move with a pack mentality, in small groups with an alpha in the lead.  Curiously, instead of a male, the head of the group tends to be female, directing the pack to prey on one shoe and leather goods store after another, with an appetite as voracious as a shark in frenzy.

The two can be distinguished through closer observation by their individual behavior.  Canadians can be identified by their generally more laid back attitude, unseasonal affinity for hockey, and excessive politeness.  However, don’t be deceived by the American in Canadian’s clothing.  For unknown reasons, possibly from self-loathing flagellation, some Americans will disguise themselves as Canadians, most noticeably through the ostentatious affixing of maple leaves on their luggage and gratuitously ending their sentences with “eh?”  While ultimately harmless, the fraudulence of these would-be chameleons is disappointing for they are in denial of their proud entitlement as both the most loved, and yet equally resented, traveler abroad.

Generally, the Americans can be identified by their distinctive loud, garish apparel (it’s to be noted that Hawaiian shirts aren’t limited to tropical climates, despite notions to the contrary), and sometimes are accompanied by their similarly loud and garish behavior.  While this generalization does not hold for all, the initial wonder and confusion of being in a foreign country tends to agitate many of the poor animals into an excitable state, and can manifest in believing that increased volume will result in increased enjoyment.  Understandable, because similar to sports and sex, tourism is a competitive and stressful endeavor, and meeting expectations within a reasonable time frame is crucial to enjoyment by all parties involved.

Another prolific assortment of visitors seen in the field is the tourist of the East Asian genus.  These have a different and distinctive migration pattern from their western counterparts.  Instead of traveling in small, mobile parties, they are herded around by their keepers, commonly known as tour guides.  Shuttled from location to location on their chartered mass transit vehicles, they are released at specified intervals in order to roam for a bit under the supervision of the guides, who maintain control of their flock through the use of tried and true tools, usually consisting of squawky megaphones and colorful umbrellas.  A coy species, the Asian tourist is apt to stay within their flock, venturing only so far to take an excessive number of photographs of the same piece of scenery, and coo at the novelty of souvenir beer mugs and gaudy T-shirts.  Although differing in nationality, be it Japanese, Korean, or Chinese, these curious specimens demonstrate a charm in their collective multitude and endearing behavior.  However, it’s best not to startle these gentle creatures, as they tend to scatter when provoked.  The tour guides don’t appreciate this either, as then they have to spend time gathering strays when they were supposed to be on their cigarette/coffee break.

Regardless of the type of tourist you may encounter in the wild, whether it be in the bustle of merry olde London towne, or the quiet languor of the streetside cafes of Heidelberg, they are a necessary part of the natural environment of Europe, and they give back to the land as much as take.  Be mindful of the influx of these inquisitive beings, and give them their distance, but also don’t be afraid if they approach you.  Most of the time, they’re just as afraid of you as you are of them (although feeding them from your hand is not recommended in any circumstance).