Dear Alfonso:

I have no work no more. So I look into me and see what kind skills I am. I learn to write som years ago so I tink I can rite for magizene. I would lik work for you. you seem like kind guy.

I rite about eveyting I no and dat is mutch stuf. If you place full of peeples you can open door for me at beg udder magizene...OK? I no want lots money....maybee 5 tousend a month OK? I rite abut natur,

politick, peepels, mony, everting. plese send frst jb offer or 5 tousend. I send you 10% for you beeing my ajent. I did tings four my husbend in da White Hose but dat  fur only 8 yers long tim ago. Call me and we tak...but be loud...I have no telfone.

tank you,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am a puppet with an advice column and not in a position to hire writers. However, I did pass your letter of inquiry along to our editors. They are as fascinated by your writing style as I am. Although you imply that you are older, possibly even a baby-boomer; what appears at first “read” to be a cross between early 20^th Century Appalachian and Borat is actually what our editors like to call “Generation Z American”. If you are who we think you are it is our guess that your writing is heavily influenced by your daughter, a somewhat homely looking young lady who resembles Dad. Our editors suggest you seek advanced studies to really hone those skills. I’m told there are two experts who can help you: Professor Graham Moore and Doctor Yusef Spelcjek. They can be found just about everywhere, even by those who don’t have a telephone.

Our editor-in-chief will keep your letter on file. Should you be still be seeking a job in the future, say in maybe November of 2008, we will contact you.

Keep up the good work!

Alfonso